Acceptance

I loved my life.
I loved my new job, the company I work for.
But, the gradual lack of that part of my life over the last 6 months - which had been so substantial - has brought a new understanding. Whilst it would really take something for me to lose my confidence, my self-esteem in the diminishing world I inhabit is lowered. I've just realised you see a woman who is unwell; and indeed, she is.

Is this is what I mean about acceptance?

One of the best compliments paid to me by a customer at the end of a pitch was ".....you bring many things to the table Sarah, but the best thing you do is make it real for people.....".

There was some science to the way I did that - I didn't spend my own money earning a masters degree for no good reason - and it's what the HR and Change Management professionals call the Change Curve. It is a model or process to describe how individuals deal with substantial changes in their career or job situation.

However, the "curve" is actually based on a model introduced in Elizabeth Kübler-Ross's 1969 book, On Death and Dying. The Model of Coping with Dying was based on her research and interviews with more than 500 dying patients.

It describes, in five discrete stages, a process by which people cope with and deal with grief and tragedy, especially when diagnosed with a terminal illness. The stages are:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Kübler-Ross claimed these steps do not necessarily come that exact order, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though patients will always experience at least two. Let me describe how these stages are characterised:

1. Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
This feeling is generally replaced with a heightened awareness of possessions - would that explain my addiction to Internet shopping? And with concern for individuals that will be left behind after death.

2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"
Eerr, yep, done a little bit of that, I've had my fair share I think...

3. Bargaining — "Just let me see my kids graduate"
Apparently a negotiation is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Wouldn't know, would never bargain or negotiate, certainly not in this way.

4. Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. I recognise my old friend depression, and thats why he's not allowed though the door ... Apart from the odd crying jag.

5. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with her/his mortality.

So here I am. Acceptance.
Or pretty much bouncing around between denial and acceptance.

But my newly established, ever decreasing world has given me some ideas. It took me a few years, but I have learned that we have to accept the consequences of our choices, our thoughts and actions. Along with Wilson, it was my job to teach Darcey that she is responsible for her own life, nobody else is. Now I've got to influence and demonstrate that in a different way.

That's where I have some ideas, but I need your help to test something.
I need you to describe my most marked characteristic in one word - such as you know me.
What's the one thing that captures what you know about me?

I don't care if I won't like it - I just need a word.

Answers on email, facebook, postcards etc
PLEASE!